Hello, my name is Vlad. I have been in this Homo No Mo Halfway House for 27 days. Here in Homo No Mo Halfway House we have five phases, we do 12 Steps and there are approximately 275 rules. First I tell you about the phases. When we move from phase to phase, this is called a “Phase Bump,” and technically only the staff is allowed to bump you.
At the Love in Action residential program that I attended for two years the staff led participants through a game know as The Five Phases and The 12 Steps. Participants preoccupied themselves with moving up (and down) artificial gradations like a twisted version of Chutes and Ladders.
In Phase One the staff forced participants to look at themselves in order to acknowledge they had a problem, in fact that we were a problem— sinful, addicted, and broken.
In Phase Two the focus turned to God, the ultimate perfection and means of escape.
Phase Three turned the spotlight on the family where we created new mythologies about our childhood and family dynamics to fit in with the program theories about dysfunctional families and the developmental model.
In Phase Four we deconstructed former friendships rebranding them as unhealthy, emotionally dependent, and sick with the charge to develop new, healthy relationships with heterosexual mentors from the church.
Finally, we moved to the Fifth Phase where we began to transition into the world outside the program.
While slowly working through the phases, the staff also pushed us through an intensive 12-Step program with the belief that our desires for people of the same sex had to be wrong, sinful and addictive. We needed to account for every past sexual encounter and reframe them to fit in with the addiction model the staff gave us. Through our weekly "Moral Inventories" we wrote about and discussed former sexual experiences reworking them into a clinical narrative designed to reinforce the construct provided by the staff. Instead of a way of expressing love or just being horny, we had to restate our motives for sex so that they instead sprung from our own emotional, psychological or spiritual illnesses.
The Steps, the Phases, and the hundreds of written moral inventories required many hours of concentration and will power. The effort distracted me from the reality that "change" was not possible and was not happening, except for the negative change leading to depression, hopelessness and faithlessness. Instead advancement through the steps and our celebrated "Phase bumps" (which took on the quality of a some sort of tribal celebration with clanging of pots and pounding on the walls) gave the illusion that we experienced actual movement and growth.
Whenever we faltered in our resolve to sublimate our sexual desires and gay identity, the staff and fellow participants urged us to work the program! Instead of questioning the failure or the methods, the staff compelled us to dive into the "therapy" with greater effort and intensity. Whenever progress in the Steps or Phases, the staff lessened some of the many restrictions placed on our time and activities thus giving a false sense of autonomy. Once we failed again to meet program expectations, the staff returned us to an earlier Phase slapping on us restrictions and sanctions on free-time and hard-won privileges.
At times it felt like I lived in an elaborate board game where I got to move three spaces forward only to find that I somehow landed back in jail. I spent so much time and energy on the structure of the program and the hurdles I had to vault that I had little left to question just how ineffective the process proved. We labored towards the goal of graduation when we would stand before the community affirmed by the staff—victors of the game—examples to others that we could achieve success. Little did I understand just how much they deluded me (and I deluded myself) into believing that program success equaled some sort of real change. And little did I realize the paradox that only in losing the game that they set before us did I actually begin to win in life.
The program leaders at Love in Action (LIA) and in all the other ex-gay programs I attended (along with the counselors I saw and authors of the ex-gay books I read) believed in a development model leading to homosexual desire and activity. Although each ex-gay therapist or minister used different and methods often contrary to each other, they universally agreed that boys became gay because of an "overbearing mother and an emotionally or physically absent dad." In addition, they taught that sexual abuse contributed to same-sex attractions.
In LIA and elsewhere, the leadership made us create a mythology about ourselves based on the developmental template they placed before us. By mixing psycho-babble, scripture, and language from the AA 12-Step program, they constantly reinforced their authority over us. When any of us questioned the template they provided by stating our lives did not fit it, they insisted that we needed to look more deeply. They warned us, that as "addicts," it was in our nature to deceive ourselves and minimize not only the consequences of our actions but also the causes.
Adhering to the belief that our parents failed us, the LIA program leaders then served as surrogate parents who attempted to undo the damage inflicted by our actual parents. During TheFamily and Friends Weekend, they not only confronted each participant with their development theories, they also pushed parents to admit that their child's faulty development stemmed from a dysfunctional family structure.
The program buttressed the their teaching with the belief that everyone lives in a flawed sinful state. By being flawed and sinful parents, the program leaders reasoned that our folks ended up harming their own offspring. "Sin begets sin." The staff then endeavored to lead the families in a corporate confession which included fathers of program participants confessing the ways they had ceded leadership to their wives. The Family and Friends Weekend thus operated under the notion that only by returning to the God-sanctioned patriarchy could the flawed son or daughter begin to experience success in divorcing themselves from homosexuality.
The Family and Friends Weekend created a climate of fear and shame, a toxic mix that made it difficult to think clearly. The environment placed us in a vulnerable state where we looked to the program leaders as authorities to lead us out of the mess stemming from our sinful nature and poor choices. When any parent or loved one questioned the teachings, program leaders responded with program jargon, scripture or pseudo-psychological language. The leaders stood as the final authority, almost as Gnostics who had come to the place of hidden knowledge. They then attempted to share that knowledge with those of us still darkened by ignorance and inner rebellion.
I only learned years later that my parents experienced deep personal distress as a result of their first Family and Friends Weekend. My sister told me that for the first two weeks after they returned home, "there was something wrong with Mom and Dad." They seemed depressed and spoke little. It even affected their appetite. She said it was like a light had gone out in them. She felt so concerned that she called the LIA office and demanded, "What did you do to my parents?" LIA never followed up.
Years later when I told one of the LIA leaders who had been part of that weekend about my parents' distress and how it resulted in years of self-doubts and emotional upheaval, he responded with program jargon and put the blame back on my parents by stating, "Healthy people ask for what they need." He suggested that since my parents were not healthy to begin with, they didn't know how to seek the help they needed.
By constantly turning the blame around and pointing to the flawed nature in each one of us, the program leaders chronically avoid responsibility for the unethical and harmful practices and theories they promote and provide. I do not know if the current staff of Love in Action still forces parents and participants through the shameful and harmful steps of The Family and Friends Weekend. If they genuinely care for people and about pastoral care, I invite them to listen to some of our stories to reconsider their methods before they do more harm.
See a video about The Family & Friends Weekend. Read an article at Beyond Ex-Gay.
Memphis Pride & the new director of an Ex-Gay Progam
Wow, what a super Pride event in Memphis this weekend! The organizers put together a fun, family friendly and well organized series of events. They wisely chose a park with lots of shade for the festival, and they had loads of booths. The diversity of the crowd especially impressed me in a city where one can see people travel in their homogeneous packs. Young, old, black and white, transgender, straight, bisexual, lesbian and gay, the crowd showed off a wide cross-section of the population.
I enjoyed being in the parade more than I thought I would. Sitting in a car waving at folks felt like it would be awkward (let me be on stage doing stuff or a chance to talk, but just sitting waving--weird). I saw many friends along the way from the various groups that have helped me through the years--Holy Trinity Community Church of Christ, Integrity and most recently Mid-South Pride with their help during Beyond Ex-Gay's big weekend back in February.
She shares a little of my journey going from participant of Love in Action, an ex-gay residential program in Memphis.
In the Pride parade's fifth year in Memphis, there was a big push for it to be a family-friendly gathering, and Toscano fit that mold, said Sean Alexander of Mid-South Pride Inc.
"He was chosen for putting a positive image on being gay," Alexander said.
Toscano also has become a highly recognizable figure in the Memphis gay community for leading ex-gay survivors' conferences and performing his one-man plays.
A Catholic who became a born-again Christian as a teenager, Toscano was told he could not be a Christian and a homosexual.
Ashamed, and terrified for his salvation, he entered multiple church-operated gay converting programs.
"It was in many ways psychological warfare. Day after day you were hearing that there was something wrong with you," he said.
In this article we also get to hear from Love in Action's new director and a taste how he responds to the media and to criticism of his program.
But according to the group, Toscano's experience differs greatly from those of most other people getting treatment. Of 400 people who have gone through the program, more than 300 have been turned straight, the group says.
"Our success rate is higher than our dropout rate," said Love In Action director Jim Scott.
"It works for some people, and for some people it doesn't."
Really? 300 out of 400 are successful? Turned straight? Or does he mean that 300 of 400 actually finished the course and graduated? But how often does Jim Scott check up on these folks? What sort of on-going follow-up does he do? What sort of follow-up has Love in Action done over the past five years? 10 years? How long do these successes remain ex-gay? A year? Two? Three months? Two weeks? Who knows and who cares once they graduate and stop paying the outrageous fees that the program charges?
This is false advertisement--dishonest. I believe that Jim Scott bears false witness. Of the six people who entered LIA with me back in 1996, five have come out and accepted the reality that they are gay and there is nothing wrong with it (and two of us were in yesterday's Pride parade--one in drag!)
Love in Action has maintained a practice of "challenging" participants--(I wanna challenge you! See Homo No Mo for lots of examples) So I have two challenges for Jim Scott.
Over the next five years keep track of these 300 newly straightened people, and then let us know where they are at and how it all worked out for them.
Meet with 50 former participants who have tried the program and have experienced harm as a result of their experiences. Find out what goes wrong and the horrendous cost of pursuing the straight dream.
From my personal experiences and from connecting with over 1,000 ex-gay survivors, I have concluded that the process is not effective (no one actually becomes heterosexual), and it is unnecessary. Most importantly reparative therapy and ex-gay ministries almost always cause more harm than good.
I know a tiny handful of people with lesbian and gay backgrounds who have gone ex-gay and say they are happy as such. They are not ex-gay leaders nor do they pretend that their desires for the same gender have disappeared. For some it is a daily struggle that they willingly admit. They live in the reality that the ex-gay route is not possible for most people.
As Jim Scott begins his term as Love in Action director, I hope he chooses to be humble enough to listen to his detractors, to see that we are not a minority group of disgruntled failures for whom it did not work. We are the large percentage of people who came to Love in Action (and more importantly to God) looking for a cure and instead we found a curse. For some of us it has taken years to recover. We want to help spare other people from making the same mistakes we made. We want to counter the misinformation about people who are not straight. We want to help unearth the many reasons why people have pursued change. reasons often based on fear, shame and oppression.
Perhaps Jim Scott needs to come to next year's Memphis Pride to see the vibrant, healthy, well-adjusted group of transgender, bisexual, lesbian and gay citizens who help make Memphis a wonderful place. Perhaps he needs to spend time at Holy Trinity Community Church of Christ or Integrity to experience the Spirit of God and the fruit of the Holy Spirit among Christians who also happen to be transgender, bisexual, lesbian, gay, or straight allies.
I get the privilege of spending the morning with the folks at Holy Trinity where I will present the morning message--so I must get offline and finish preparing.
Daniel Gonzales at Box Turtle Bulletin posted a video about how he believed his orientation had begun to believe he was changing when he received reparative therapy.
Oftentimes when I meet someone who’s been through ex-gay therapy I ask them if they ever reached the point where they believed they were beginning to change — It’s how I gauge just how deeply they got into the whole “ex-gay thing.” Ex-gay leaders often assert, “change is possible and I’m proof because I changed.” In my opinion the strongest response is “I too once believed I had changed.” Here’s my own explanation of how I believed I had changed:
Daniel also uploaded the following video, and he uses the analogy that ex-gay therapy and the quest for the causal factors of gayness is like throwing spaghetti to see what sticks. .
This video is a criticism of the 2008 paper "Clients' Perceptions Of How Reorientation Therapy And Self-Help Can Promote Changes In Sexual Orientation" written by Dean Byrd, Joseph Nicolosi and Richard Potts.
This criticism is by Daniel Gonzales, a former patient of Dr. Nicolosi. Daniel has renounced his attempts to change his sexuality and now speaks out against "ex-gay" or "reparative therapy."
Anyone remember Burger King's big ad campaign a few years back?
Hold the pickle. Hold the lettuce. Special orders don't upset us.
In their attempts to position themselves in the fast food market, BK encouraged customers to "have it your way."
Being a vegan, I am the queen of special orders. Restaurants in the US, Canada, Europe and the UK have accommodated me with my non-animal product-based diet, sometimes begrudgingly and with attitude.
When I attended the Love in Action residential ex-gay program in Memphis, TN, I needed to suspend my vegetarian lifestyle. Each participant took turns cooking the evening meal. With a budget of sometimes less than $20 for 14 people, participants served lots of casseroles filled with greasy ground beef. Although no one ever challenged the inappropriateness of it, at least twice a month someone served up corn dogs (which looked strangely like a dick on a stick).
I stayed away from the beef and hot dog products, and for my turn most always prepared a vegetarian dish (my baked ziti was a house favorite). If someone wanted a special diet, they had to finance it themselves. With monthly fees of $950 per month (which was A LOT of money in Memphis 10 years ago) no one had extra cash on hand. And if we did somehow make it happen, no doubt someone in the house would challenge us and the special diets for being, well, special.
The unwillingness to accommodate participants extended to other issues beyond the kitchen. One young man came to the program from a Christian faith tradition that worshiped on Saturdays (technically the Sabbath). He felt morally and spiritually convicted to find a similar church in Memphis. The staff forbade it. One could not go to a church of one's own choosing until at least the fourth phase of the program (which back then could take up to two years to attain).
The staff demanded all participants to attend Central Church, an Evangelical mega church with its own fitness center and congressman. No matter if you were Catholic, Adventist or Methodist, the program required each participant to assimilate into the white Evangelical Church semi-Charismatic tradition. We dressed in business casual attire to blend in with the gender norms of the church. We joined the righteous band of Promise Keepers with our straight male mentors in tow to show us the way.
Not that the church was necessarily a safe place for an ex-gay. One Sunday morning a Love in Action participant got cruised by a teen (of legal age but just barely) in one of the many restrooms in the big church. Over the next few weeks he routinely met up with the young man for sexual trysts. (Subsequently the participant, weighed down by the guilt and shame of failing in his program, attempted suicide and barely survived. The young cruiser's parents eventually shipped their son off for ex-gay treatment at Love in Action. Um, after how they witnessed the program in action, did they really think that was the best place for their kid???)
Conform. Assimilate. No special orders. No regard or respect for a participant's convictions. In order to get freed, they placed us in straight jackets. In order to get saved, we had to lose much of ourselves.
The closet holds much more than just our orientation. Whole parts of our personalities, preferences and expression get stuffed in there next to our dreams and desires. That we emerge and reclaim our lives is nothing short of miraculous. That I choose to be part of a faith community today after having one imposed on me so aggressively, I find hard to believe. But I have emerged and integrated my life after years of living a fractured existence. You see, change is possible. And special orders are welcome.
Shortly after I reported that John Smid had resigned from Love in Action, lots of folks have speculated as to the reasons. We may know soon enough. Yesterday evening I heard from someone who had read the letter that went out to supporters announcing John's resignation, who told me it does not take effect until July. Perhaps we will know more when the program makes their official public statement in their newsletter in April.
Last summer John gave a talk about masturbation where he made what sounded to me and many others bizarre references to his wife and to her vagina. Since the news broke of John's resignation, stories have begun to swirl along with jokes quoting John's talk.
For me perhaps some of this vagina talk would be funny right now if I didn't know John Smid and especially his wife. She is a lovely, kind woman. I also was married to a woman when I was ex-gay, and she suffered greatly because of my gay orientation and our failed marriage. I suffered greatly too.
We have no indication that John has been unfaithful. From everything I hear from folks in Memphis, he is not leaving in disgrace. Although some folks may wish to see such an outcome after all the harm that many of us experienced in Love in Action, some of this sounds downright cruel and petty. Lord knows I get angry about a lot of this stuff. It has affected me and my family in devastating ways. I attended that awful program for two years.
But these are people we are talking about.
No question, Ex-Gay leaders need to be held accountable for the harm they cause, for the uniformed misguided programs they create, and the dangerously misleading statements they make. But that doesn't give me license to treat them like shit.
Perhaps I am just a sappy Quaker who believes the crazy notion that that of God is in everyone. But I cannot forget that for most of my adult life I had been a born-again, Evangelical, Conservative Republican Christian who was very very anti-gay (and self-hating). I have changed dramatically. Change is possible. It was a hard road to make the changes I had to make, to question my world view, to see just how wrong I was. But it becomes even more difficult when people assume the worse and hurl insults.
I have been one of the most constant critics of Love in Action, and I will be thrilled the day that program completely shuts its doors. May that day come quickly! But I was one of them, and I care what happens to them, and I hope that they find a better way.
Someone has to make the mockumentary, Not Another Ex-Gay Movie! The film festival circuit is about to be glutted with a rush of ex-gay docs and films. Although I have yet to see it, I hear wonderful things about Jessica Yu's film Protagonist, which features four very different men who each follow a similar journey. One of the subjects is Mark Pierpoint, a former ex-gay and ex-gay minister.
The newest ex-gay doc to hit the screens is Bill Hussung and Mishara Canino's Chasing the Devil: Inside the Ex-Gay Movement which premieres March 29th at the Birmingham SHOUT Gay & Lesbian Film Festival.
CHASING THE DEVIL: INSIDE THE EX-GAY MOVEMENT is a feature documentary film presenting an unflinching look at the personal journeys of four people who claim to have changed their sexual orientation from gay to straight. Their stories mark the first time documentary filmmakers have been allowed inside the “ex-gay” movement and provide an empathetic and, at times, devastating portrait of those who claim homosexuality is an illness that can be healed
You will see lots of familiar (overexposed?) faces in the film--Richard Cohen, Joanne Highley, Me. You will also see some new folks who speak about their experiences for the very first time including my father, Pete Toscano. He agreed to sit down with Bill and Mishara to tell his story as the father of someone who was once ex-gay. I was in the other room when they did the interview so as to give him privacy, but he told me afterwards that he shared about the painful and surreal experience of attending Love in Action's Family and Friends Weekend.
I interviewed my dad once about the experience. He said,
We went to the meeting and had no idea of what we were going into. We met a lot of parents in the same category. Lots of kids had no parents there.
Everything seemed to be on the up and up at first. Yeah, but we found out these things aren't so. I said to them, "You can't change a zebra's stripes." They didn't go along with me, and they were very aggravated with me for saying so. Some people go through two colleges and they don't have common sense. I hate when people keep things locked up.
They made me feel that I failed you. That's how I felt after they got through with me. That's how they made all the parents feel.
More and more diverse voices have begun to emerge from the many people who have been negatively affected by ex-gay programs like Love in Action. Former and current spouses of ex-gays or ex-gay survivors, former ex-gay leaders and now parents are speaking out. When each person comes forward and tells their story, we get a fuller picture of the many ways that ex-gay experiences cause more harm than good.
You can read an interview with the film's producer Bill Hussung here and watch the trailer below.
John Smid Resigns from Love in Action Ex-Gay Program
I am running to do a show and just got a voice mail from a former Love in Action staff member who said, "I'm sure you heard the news, but if not, you may be interested to know that John Smid resigned from Love in Action."
John Smid served as the Executive director and CEO of Love in Action in Memphis, TN.
When I know more, I'll let you know or post what you know in comments.
UPDATE: I found out that in one of Love in Action's last mailings to supporters, they made the announcement that John Smid planned to retire and move onto other things but did not specify what these things might be. I truly hope John gets out of the ex-gay work. He's done it for over 14 years, and I have always had the sense that he has wanted to be a proper minister in a church with a congregation and all. We'll see what he does next.
The challenge when someone is an ex-gay leader (or even an ex-gay critic) for awhile is trying to determine what to do next. It is such an alternate universe in many ways and lots of perks hold people in it for longer than they want. Even though an ex-gay ministry does not provide a lot of money, it gives some leaders national exposure, chances to speak in churches in front of large congregations, and opportunities to make important decisions that affect all sorts of lives. I can imagine that many things after that can feel like a step down.
John Smid is slated to speak at the next Love Won Out in San Jose on April 12.
A "disorder" popularized by gay Quaker performing artist Peterson Toscano in his play "Doin' Time the Homonomo Halfway House" about his time spent as a patient in a Christian residential program to "cure" gay people. Another resident in the program suffered from Phallic Fruit Fetish (or PFF) and had a persistent desire to commit sexual acts with phallically shaped fruits. The problem was alleviated when all phallic shaped fruits were removed from the facility.
Rev. Smid ordered all bananas removed from the house upon learning of a patient's phallic fruit fetish.
And as I have Chad explain in the play,
He had a PFF, a Phallic Fruit Fetish, but he had a really serious case of it that actually extended into the vegetable word. As a result, no cucumbers, no zucchini, no carrots--oh, except for the little mini carrots; they don't bother him so much.
Urban Dictionary submission by Daniel Gonzales Artwork by Christine Bakke Crazy Character Chad by me.
I often receive e-mails from former ex-gays and current ex-gays asking me about my experience. Yesterday I got one such e-mail that got me thinking deeply about my time at Love in Action, an ex-gay residential program in Memphis, TN. Although the message I received starts out accusatory, it quickly becomes more thoughtful. I sense the person genuinely desires to hear about my experience and dialogue. What I appreciate his message is that in it he shares some of his journey and the reasons behind it. I thought his questions helpful, so I want to share them with you along with my answer. I have removed his name and the year he attended LIA. (photos are from the renovation of my cottage)
I attended Love in Action in August 20xx. What I don't understand is why you have so many negative things to say about LIA. I hope you remember that you choose to attend the program and were not forced into attending. You should respect other peoples decisions to live for God and change their lives. I know how hard it is to struggle with homosexuality. But I know that in the end I want a deeper relationship with my creator and that is what motivates me to change my sexuality. You must have had some very strong convictions to spend thirty thousand dollars and countless hours in therapy. Peterson, Why made you change your mind about wanting freedom from homosexuality? I am sorry if at first I came off a little rude. But I really would like to talk with you more on the subject. I have some family members who identify as being gay, and they tell me that this is how I was created.... But I know that God wants more for me. Do you think I asked to be like this? Of course not. I wanted straight and have a wife and kids and the whole nine yards. I am trusting God, that one day it will happen for me.
Thank you so much for writing. I always appreciate meeting fellow LIA graduates. We share a unique experience that most people in the world do not understand. I have spent time thinking about your questions and have a LONG answer below. Thanks for asking. It got me thinking and writing.
I run into so many people who ask,
Why did you go to Love in Action for two years? Why did you spend so much time and effort trying to change your sexuality?
Many people do not understand the conflict and turmoil some of us have felt and the lengths we have gone to in order to do what we felt we needed to in order to correct what we saw as wrong with us.
Some of my dearest friends today are guys who went through LIA with me. Most are now gay, but one is married to a woman, and I was actually the best man in his wedding. Having each other has helped a lot as we live post-LIA.
Like you I have always wanted a deep relationship with my creator. At age 17 I found Jesus (or Jesus found me?) and the Bible made sense in a way it never did before. I entered a lifelong journey of worship of God, of listening to the Lord and of doingministry. Because of messages I heard around me, mostly from the playground growing up and from the media, I got the idea that being straight was the only normal path and anything other than straight was abnormal, taboo, sick, and bad.
I just wanted to be a good person, a faithful Christian and to be normal. I heard about the dream of a family with a wife and children from virtually every movie, pop song and even advertisements I experienced from the time I was small. Society continually represented and rewarded straight people it while it punished and made fun of people who weren't straight. I heard over and over that non-straight people were sad and unholy.
With all my heart I endeavored to crucify my flesh daily and find a way out of my gay desires and into a straight life. I believed the promise,
If any man be in Christ Jesus he is a new creation, the old is gone, behold all things have been made new.
To me that meant that Jesus could completely save me from my same-sex attractions and restore me to the place that I had been told was normal. Surely God was strong enough to do that especially after the mighty work that Jesus did on the cross and through the resurrection.
I found many ministers, counselors and ex-gay leaders who insisted that change was not only possible but probable. I went to church every chance I could, spent hours daily in prayer, praise, Bible study and simply enjoying the presence of God. I failed often but always returned to God bringing my struggle, feeling unworthy to serve as a missionary until I got this thing beat.
At age 25 I married a woman after our church leaders at a very well-known church encouraged us that God would bless our marriage. It seemed I had found that place of freedom I longed for all those years, and for two solid years I remained physically faithful to my wife. We seemed like an ideal Christian couple. But my desires for other men did not diminish. My desires for my wife never materialized. She could tell that I did not desire her and this wounded her deeply. She kept thinking there was something wrong with her. She knew of my former struggles but believed like me that God would bless us. I avoided sex as much as possible, not so much because I did not desire her sexually but more so because of the extreme guilt and shame I felt because I could only be successful in the bedroom if I thought of other men when I was intimate with my wife. I felt like I betrayed her every time we had sex.
I grew depressed, suicidal, hopeless. I continued to call out to God, but after five years of marriage, everything fell apart. It was then I chose to enter Love in Action. I hated that my struggle destroyed everything I held dear--my marriage, my work in Christian service, my church friendships--all lost.
It was at LIA that I first heard that it was impractical to expect that I would change from gay to straight. John Smid, the director, said that this is an unrealistic goal and that most likely we will continue to struggle with our desires for the rest of our lives. I hated that. I felt so deflated and discouraged and wondered if I made a big mistake in coming to LIA. But it was one of the best gifts I received from LIA--reality.
I learned other valuable lessons, especially from a counselor I worked with through LIA. Speaking about some childhood abuse issues he told me that sexual abuse and being gay are two distinctly different things. This freed me up to look at these issues separately and more objectively. John Smid and the other staff also continually reminded us that a definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. I thought,
Wait a minute, that's what I have been doing for 17 years, begging God, bullying God to change me as I suppress my desires and call them bad and evil and sinful and sick. What happens if I do something different? What happens if I accept my desires as a natural reality of who I am, how I am wired, and take it from there?
And that is what I did. At first I assumed that meant I could not be a Christian any longer. How I mourned the thought of losing Jesus in my life, not simply because I believed I might go to hell, but more so because I cherished the presence of God in my life and my daily time of seeking God and listening to God. I soon realized I could not live without God, and although I distrusted gay theologians, I knew I needed to come to God with my desires and really ask God for his guidance. All those years previously I assumed the right prayer to pray was
God change me, fix me, help me out of this.
Instead my prayers became more open handed.
God I have these desires. What do you want me to do with them? with my life? I don't want to simply exchange one identity for another.
I held it out before God and listened. I began to realize that my thirst for change was not as spiritual as I had always assumed. I used God as a cover for the strong hunger to "be normal," to fit in, to have the dream of straight life and a wife and kids and the whole nine yards. In essence I coveted my straight neighbor's life. I thought I was listening to God, but really I was hearing the values of the world imposed upon the church, values that praised straight people and punished gay people.
At first I hated the idea that I was gay, but hated more living without integrity. And I began a journey to discover myself and to discover God's, not man's, will for my life. And the wild thing is that now I have a deeper more honest relationship with my creator than I ever dreamed possible. I have clarity and understanding and my previous out of control behaviors no longer disrupt my life. I treat my body with dignity and respect and am no longer compulsive.
If you are happy and truly feel that the ex-gay path or a celibate one is the way that God has for you, than I feel happy for you. I do not in anyway wish to invalidate your experience. I just know that for me such a life was not possible nor was it healthy. Love in Action helped me face reality, gave me great friends and some valuable lessons, but overall my time there caused me much more harm than good. The family and friends weekend devastated my parents. (I talk about this here). The overall experience deepened the shame I felt about myself and demonized all of my sexual desires not honestly separating compulsive unhealthy addictive desire from healthy normal desires.
This may not have been your experience. I can understand that, but the vast majority of people I have met (well over 1000) who have tried an ex-gay life say that long-term it was not beneficial, realistic, or necessary. But we are all wired differently and perhaps you represent someone in the tiny minority who find that the ex-gay way is helpful and sustainable.
Over at Beyond Ex-Gay we share some of our stories through our narratives, art work, poetry and articles. We make it very clear that
We believe that ex-gay experiences cause more harm than good. Certain people who currently identify as ex-gay say they are content as such. We don’t seek to invalidate their experience. For us such a lifestyle was not possible or healthy.
Not that it was all bad: Some of us received positive help through our ex-gay experiences. We grew to understand our sexuality better and in some cases even overcame life-controlling problems.
But for most of us, these experiences brought us inner turmoil, confusion, and shame. We are still in a process of recovery from the damage. Through sharing our stories with each other, we find wholeness and healing.
This weekend staff from Focus on the Family and Exodus International, two large and well-funded organizations, will speak to hundreds of parents about the "gay lifestyle" and will present testimonies claiming that "change is possible". Parents will listen to folks who directly and indirectly pin the blame on parents for having a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender child. We know what they teach because some of us recently attended the Love Won Out Conference and and also listened to the recordings of all the presentations. See Jim Burroway's detailed account.
My parents suffered under this message while I attended the Love in Action program in Memphis some years ago. Today I recorded this video relating the horrific Family and Friends Weekend and the effect Love in Action's erroneous and cruel teachings had on my parents.
In the past year I have shared my family's experience with several ex-gay leaders. Many expressed shock at what happened at Love in Action. But when I spoke with someone who is slated to speak at Love Won Out this weekend about all that happened with my mom and the years of doubt and torment she suffered, he shot back, "Healthy people ask for what they need." I said, "Wait, what!?" He continued, "If your mom was having problems, she should have gotten some help." But my mom had already been burnt by "experts," and I know she didn't want to expose herself to more hurt. But even if she could of or should of talked to someone to help her understand the issues better, what a pitiful response from this Christian leader.
This sort of thoughtless, insensitive, reactionary behavior needs to stop. Many ex-gay programs like Love in Action make mistakes. They do things on a trial and error basis sampling whatever teachings drop into their laps. (I know because in two years there, we ran through several teachings and practices). These program leaders, who claim they care about people and families, need to listen to the stories of the many people who can point to the harm they experienced at the hands of ex-gay minsters. These are not a few isolated stories. Just in the past 10 months dozens of people have come forward to share their stories publicly. These are not paid professional activists or lobbyist, but people who stand up to bear witness to what they have seen and heard and experienced.
In the summer of 2005 the ex-gay program Love in Action made national headlines after accepting Zach, a 16 year old gay boy into their Refuge program. Before he went into the program, Zach called out for help on his blog. Concerned citizens and friends of the young man took a stand and each day shared their message of love and acceptance through signs, blog posts, interviews and social networking on MySpace.
Jacob Wilson was a 19 year old client in Love in Action's adult program that summer. Back then Exodus programs did not have a prohibition to mix minors and adults together in their program, so Jacob sat in session with all the participants in both Love in Action's programs. He didn't have any real idea what was happening outside the building until he saw the trailer of Morgan Fox's film that we screened at the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference this past summer.
Wendi Thomas of the Memphis Commercial Appeal interviewed Jacob for an article that appeared in yesterday's edition.
Zach's supporters protested outside of LIA, but Wilson says the men and women inside were told not to make eye contact with the protesters and not to read their signs.
After Wilson left LIA, he found out what the protesters had wanted him to know.
"These people weren't doing it to be activists, they were doing it to show that we weren't alone, that we were loved ... It crushes me that that message was cut from us."
That message of love -- an affirming, inclusive love -- will get another airing next weekend, at the same time that conservative Christian heavyweight Focus on the Family will hold its de-gaying "Love Won Out" conference at Central Church.
Jacob will come to Memphis this weekend to tell more of his story. He will also lead a round table discussion for folks 25 and under during the Beyond Ex-Gay Mid-South Regional Gathering. Find out what happened to Jacob that summer and learn how you can help your friends when they feel coerced or compelled to attend an ex-gay program.
Read more of Wendi Thomas' article here. For more information about the weekend's activities, visit Beyond Ex-Gay. See Daniel Gonzales' video promo for the weekend here.
Greetings from Northern Sweden, Umeå to be exact, where the snow has fallen steadily and no one minds at all. Really they delight in it as they laugh at folks from the US with our winter storm warnings and canceled events.
The new year started well with a house party outside of the city replete with fireworks at midnight. Each day I have taken a walk in the woods and in the nearby park. Today Alex and Alice (the dog) and I walked around the lake, which takes about 90 minutes. Amazing how many people are out and about in the winter weather--skiing, skating, jogging and even riding bike.
In celebration of a new year, I Simpsonized myself. I went for a genderqueer look. You should try it yourself!
I spent the first day of the new year updating my schedule for winter/spring of 2008. I didn't put everything up yet, but it is a pretty full list up through May with trips to Europe, West Virginia, Philadelphia, Memphis and more. No Texas yet and it looks like I am neglecting the West Coast, but some gigs are in the works on both fronts. I have some VERY exciting things coming up that I cannot wait to share, but I must refrain for several reasons. Soon.
A few things will happen in 2008. One is that I will retire Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House starting in February (which means I will do a little retirement run up through May. Something I learned from Cher).
At the same time I hope to perform The Re-Education of Bush and Transfigurations as much as possible. I feel that both pieces need to be seen and heard by as many people as possible. The Bush play is NOT about bashing Bush. It is so much more. (Bush bashing is so easy to do). And the Transfigurations piece is well, ah, you will have to see it.
I believe both of these pieces require new types of audiences. Sure folks who like my other stuff will totally appreciate these both (especially with so much Marvin in the Bush piece and my newest character Hegai in Transfigurations), but both of these pieces move beyond the gay issue into broader human, social, political, historical matters to consider. Soooo if you have any ideas of where I should present--conferences, colleges, churches, etc, let me know.
While you are on-line...
check out the schedule and work of my fellow performance artist, Kimberly Dark.
enjoy the wonderfully hilarious Nina Conti and her talking monkey. (UPDATE: I totally forgot to give credit where credit is due--Hat Tip to Noa for introducing me to Nina!)
and wish my buddy and fellow Love in Action survivor, Bobby Painter, a happy 40th birthday.
Time for my annual Christmas video. Last year I bought cyber gifts for everyone while I stayed in Crieff, Scotland, and made a video about it. This year my video is the gift. Yeah, I know, I am so generous.
Last week I performed the Ho Ho Homo No Mo Holiday Special at the MCC in Portland, OR, and for that event I dug into my past to find Christmas related material from the Homo No Mo Halfway House. The following video is a TRUE story of a Homo No Mo Christmas.
Now don't be surprised if in a few days I post another video from an old friend of this blog. Enjoy!
Morgan Jon Fox recently created a blog for the film This is What Love in Action Looks Like and the other day I blogged about ways co-producer, Bruce Garrett and I have been trying to raise funds (including forcing Marvin into secretarial services.) (Daniel Gonzales left me a cryptic text message about the role of a Hollywood executive director, but it sounded more like fodder from an overwrought mind longing for the West Coast after moving to the mountains of Colorado. Maybe Joe G knows what Daniel is alluding to. Us North-East Quakers are out of the loop I guess.)
Over at the film's blog, you can now donate via PayPal. The money goes to the editing of the film and costs associated with licensing.
Hmmmm, maybe Willie Hewes will auction off a panel of her amazing work! (hint hint) You must read Willie's tender comic The Suckiest Angel and of course the now famous comic Free Z, which was inspired by the events that led to the 2005 protests.
You can see the trailer for the film about the ex-gay camp and the inspirational protests that ensued in the summer of 2005. The is a lovely film by itself that you can check out here.
So even if it is just $5, please consider helping Morgan out with this film. I believe it is the sort of encouraging and moving story that the world needs to hear right about now.
I met up with Bruce Garrett this week in Baltimore. He and I are both executive producers of the film, This is What Love in Action Looks Like. (link to trailer below). The film follows the story of the 2005 protests in front of the ex-gay program Love in Action, protests sparked by the blog entries of a young 16 year-old whose parents forced him to attend the program for eight weeks.
Morgan Jon Fox directs and edits the film and has been making good progress on it. He should have a version of it ready for preview by February and then it will have an official premiere at a film festival later in the years.
As producers, Bruce and I have to produce money! Morgan works through the non-profit organization, the Memphis Digital Arts Co-op (MeDiA Co-op) and is housed in First Congregational Church in Memphis. Although the film operates on a very low budget, we still need to raise funds to cover licensing for music and TV footage, fees for entry into film festivals and money to cover some of the editing costs.
Bruce and I collaborated about creative ways we could raise money (other than just asking for it!) and he agreed to auction off a political cartoon on whatever topic the receiver desires. Bruce does amazing cartoons including his Coming Out series. He is also considering selling a panel from that series and give the proceeds to MeDiA Co-op for the film.
For my part, tonight I present the Ho Ho Homo No Mo Holiday Special (see crazy poster here) and will show the extended trailer to the audience then give a portion of the proceeds of the offering to the film. But then I started thinking of other things I could auction off and have a few ideas.
A DVD of Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House. Earlier this year I made up 100 copies of a DVD mostly to send out to perspective venues so they can preview it, but I also sold a bunch in the UK. Almost no one in the States has this and I will not sell it anymore until I have a new version out. So I thought I could auction off this limited edition DVD.
A personalized voice-mail message done by the character of your choice. I can send you the file in mpg format and you can use it on your phone for your voice mail. Come on can't you just see Marvin or Chad taking calls for your. Priceless.
A CD of the BEST of Marvin. These Marvin files are no longer available on the web (because blogger sucks--don't get me started about bloggers lost audio function) but I have the files of each of Marvin's many audio posts. Wouldn't you like to have that in your hot little hand?
Now I don't know the first thing about Ebay, except that it can be insanely addictive, but if someone out there knows how we can setup these three items on Ebay, I say, let the bidding begin!
If you want to make a donation directly to the MeDiA Co-op, checks should be made out to First Congregational Church, with "Media Co-op" listed in the "for" line. Mail to:
MeDiA Co-op 1000 S. Cooper St. Memphis, TN 38104
You can also join the Facebook Cause for This is What Love in Action Looks Like
This weekend I saw my friend Bob Painter, a fellow ex-gay survivor, play the role of Joseph in the musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. (He has a GREAT voice) In the musical a scene hit me hard and reminded me of our time in the Love in Action program, a residential ex-gay program in Memphis, TN. It was a dreadful time in so many ways and seeing this one scene brought up strong feelings.
Another ex-gay survivor, Vince Cervantes, has inspired me with recent video series about his ex-gay experiences. (See his latest one here). Below is a video where I talk about this and share some clips of Bob's performance. Like musical Joseph, there is also a happy ending to my story.
Here you can see more of Bob's wonderful performance.
Part Two--What Happens When Change is not Possible? After all my efforts, my faith in the Bible as I understood it and my faith in God and the working of the Holy Spirit, the change from gay to straight never came. In fact, the more I pursued what I thought was God’s ordained gayless path, the more I desired men, the more severe the struggle became, the more bizarre I acted out.
Finally after losing my marriage, my job as a missionary in Zambia, my close friendships and the support of my home church, I became desperate and enrolled in the Love in Action (LIA) residential program in Memphis, TN.
During orientation the staff informed us how we should envisage the program. How disappointing to hear John Smid, director of LIA, announce that none of us should expect to become heterosexual! He considered such a goal to be unrealistic and stated that most likely we would struggle with these same-sex desires for the rest of our lives.
I despaired. What a weak, powerless Gospel! Hearing this, one of the elders in my church back home questioned the spirituality of LIA. But after 15 years of believing I could and must seek to change my sexual orientation through the power of God, in deep grief I accepted the fact that such a change was not possible for me. It rocked my faith and challenged everything I had believed about the redemptive work of the cross and the blood of Jesus.
It turns out that Exodus now teaches this very message—change in orientation is not possible—although they share this mostly behind closed doors. Alan Chambers, president of Exodus International, spoke at the Love Won Out (LWO) conference in Phoenix earlier this year and via a transcript of his talk, Hope for Those That Struggle, I read what Alan had to say about same-sex attractions and change. (hat tip to Jim Burroway, who is working on his next installment of his LWO series).
And I'm going to shatter your world here: heterosexuality shouldn't be your number one goal. Whether that's for yourself or for your kid or for your loved one or your friend or your family member. Heterosexuality shouldn't have been my number one goal.
The opposite of homosexuality isn't heterosexuality. It's holiness. And I think we in the church often get that wrong. We think, "okay, the best thing for this person who's involved with homosexuality or involve with lesbianism is that they come out of that lifestyle and go into heterosexuality.
Well if that's all we think is necessary, we're setting people up for a terrible fall. The opposite of homosexuality isn't heterosexuality. It's holiness.
This is not the first time I heard the mantra about homosexuality versus holiness. (Is it an ex-gay creedal statement or a think-tank created mind-bending talking point inserted intermittently to stir up shame and fear?)
In many ways this statement proves more sinister and harmful than statements promoting the false assumption that change in orientation is possible (which most Exodus ads still suggest to this day.) What I hear in the mantra is that anything homosexual by default is unholy, unclean, dirty, ungodly, evil and demonic—the opposite of all things holy. I heard this same message over an over in my youth be it on the playground, in the media or at church.
In his statement, Alan Chambers declares that people with same-sex attractions, who refuse to renounce these attractions, are unclean, much like the leper or menstruating women in Jesus’ day. These ceremonially unclean members of society were denied access to the temple and intimate relationships. Anyone with a conservative church background today can decode Alan's message to mean that people who accept their same-sex attractions are denied access to God and to heaven. It may not be what Alan intends to say (or it may be), but the statement exudes this damning message all the same. Only the righteous enter the holy Kingdom of Heaven and homosexuals are NOT holy.
Back at Love in Action, I understood that although change in my orientation was not possible, I still needed to sort out my same-sex desires and get the victory over them. I stood with a choice-my faith in Jesus or my same-sex attractions? I chose Jesus.
At LIA I determined to gather the necessary tools that would enable me to manage and contain my sexual desire. I still dreamed for the miracle of complete deliverance from same-sex desire, but I knew not to expect it. So with the goal to be a faithful soldier of Christ, denying myself and taking up my cross and bearing it daily, I plunged into two years of treatment at LIA. I devoted my time, energy and heart to the effort. I allowed the program teachings to soak into my mind, much of it stuff I already knew from ex-gay books I had read but with a more therapeutic spin on them, but also new techniques, ideas and theories. The program took on many approaches (some times changing approaches weekly) and in some ways incorporated the "best" of what was offered in the ex-gay world.
Though writing hundreds of Moral Inventories, I re-interpreted every non-straight sexual experience I ever had and re-labeled them dysfunctional, inappropriate and addictive. I continued to spend time in prayer and Bible study staying in close contact with God and looking to God for strength. I also submitted to LIA’s training to make me more masculine by changing the way I dressed, my affect, my tastes and hobbies. In the language we used at the time, “I worked my program.”
Morgan J. Fox took video of the Survivor Initiative press conference outside of Love in Action in Memphis, TN. The event was organized by Soulforce. Ex-gay survivors David Christie and Brandon Tidwell share their stories of how pursuing to change and suppress their sexuality caused more harm than good. They stood up in front of Love in Action as a witness and a warning to others.
I go off-line for one day, and the e-mails and rss feeds and google alerts just pile up!
Here is a little round-up of what is going on out there. First I want to mention Jim Burroway's post about the "Lesbian Gangs". This story provides perfect fodder for urban legends and gets spread like a virus by all sorts of folks who talk about truth and family values.
Now I admit we actually have a huge lesbian gang problem in my home state of Connecticut. Some of my closest lesbian friends are gang members, well, actually it is more of a parents' support meeting and playgroup for their kids, but still these gals are pretty severe. They make their kids go to bed by 8 pm!
Ethan Jacobs at Bay Windows just published a detailed piece about the Ex-Gay Survivor Movement with lots of coverage about the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference (ans especially the Chalk Talk), the public apology by former Exodus leaders, the dinner with current Exodus leaders and the on-going Survivor Initiative organized by Soulforce.
David Foucher, who also writes for a New England based publication, Edge, published the second in his four part series about the Ex-Gay Movement with stories from both current ex-gays and survivors. Here is Part One and Part Two.
The Miami New Times published a LONG article entitled Scared StraightThe religious right's ex-gay movement is scouting local recruits. It is pretty extensive with coverage of both the history of the ex-gay movement and current events. They even mention Beyond Ex-Gay (bXg). I have not been able to read through the whole thing yet, but they try to reveal the human stories behind the people seeking change. (hat tip to the person to who told me about this article--was it you Tom D?)
Eugene Wagner at Ex-Gay Watch raises some Questions for Exodus. Also at his personal blog, Eugene posted Rigid, in which he talks about PFOX's recent negative comments towards ex-gay survivors and something called a Stage Three Mindset.
The New Statesman (UK) has put out a special GAY issue to mark the celebration of the 40th anniversary of the change in legislation affecting same-gender loving people in the UK. They contacted me to submit a piece to them for the on-line edition, so look out for it. Check out my piece I am what I am and it's not about choice (and like my sexual orientation, I didn't get to choose the title either)
Disputed Mutability has begun the first of a series of post in which she looks at the ex-gays and ex-ex-gays: Exgays vs. Exexgays (yes, the title sounds like Celebrity Death Match but I know that is not her style). I appreciate her insights and the care in which she writes.
Lots of news got generated as a result of the Survivor Initiative in Memphis outside of Love in Action.
(hat tips to David Christie and Barry James Moore for providing links)
Click here to get links to the collages and statements presented David and Brandon on Tuesday.
Also Bruce Garrett came to Memphis to witness the press conference and documented some of it through photos on his blog. I particularly love the photos of the young people and the posters they saved from the protests of the last two years. They presented one of these to Brandon.
The primary message I hope emerges from the press conference on Tuesday is that going through a process to change or suppress your sexuality has caused much more harm than good for many of the people who attempted it. Sure folks who assist are often well-meaning and sincere, but that doesn't negate the harm that they assisted us in bringing upon ourselves and our families. The Survivor Initiative serves as more than an opening to dialog (although dialog has begun on several fronts). The initiative serves as a witness and a warning.
I just got an e-mail about the trailer for an upcoming documentary, Gay No More? that focuses on the Ex-Gay Movement as well as Ex-Gay Survivors. (Some quotes by one of the filmmaker appeared on Page Six of the NY Post, hat tip to Joe My God--who is not the same as Joe G.). I sat with the camera crew some weeks ago, but they also met up with my dad and interviewed him too. You can catch a little bit of him talking about zebras as his cat tries to upstage him.
